Axioms of Relationship

Everyone’s seeking satisfying relationships.  Spouses, parents, and co-workers all want the same thing – satisfaction.  I have spent a great deal of time and energy helping people find more satisfaction in their relationships (cue The Stones).  In fact, most of what I now believe to be true about relationships has been taught to me by the successes and struggles of my clients.

A word about my use of the word Axiom, which I’m using to mean proper beliefs about relationships or self-evident truths about relationships.  While I find these relationship concepts to be true, most of my clients have very little explicit training in these concepts, and yet also seem to possess an implicit understanding of them.  We seem to know these things to be true, and yet simultaneously do not apply these concepts to our relationships. 

Axiom #1: We are Connected

We’re connected.  Each of us, to each one of us.  As the Beatles put it, “Every one of us is all we need.”  What happens in the U.S. affects what happens in Bangalore, India, and what happens in Bangalore affects what happens in New Orleans.  We’re connected.  But this isn’t just geopolitical, it’s also interpersonal.  Kids are connected to parents, parents to kids, teachers to students, students to teachers, husbands to wives, wives to husbands, counselors to clients, and clients to counselors.  What’s going on with and in one spouse affects the mood, security, anxiety, hopes, dreams, and behaviors of the other spouse.  We’re connected.  Your behavior does not happen in a vacuum, nor do you choose it at random.  It’s connected to the totality of behavior of those with who you’re in relationship.  When we see ourselves as connected, we’re better able to see the patterns that govern our relationship.  When we see ourselves as separate and individual, well, we see only a dimly lit fraction of the story.  We’re connected.

Axiom #2: It’s a Trio, not a Duet

Picture this: you’re attending your friend’s wedding ceremony.  The officiant pronounces the two love birds wed, the kiss ensues, and all cheer the happy celebration…

Our ceremonies celebrate the union of two people – a dyad.

Sometime later, when the couple is alone, a tiff breaks out.  It’s during these periods of relational disharmony that dyads become triads.  It’s a predictable and natural process.  The two reach out to other people, generally friends, parents, children, and other family members to make themselves feel better, blow off some steam, and gain an ally.  Again, this happens so frequently most don’t even notice it.  When couples are calm, they are dyads, but when couples experience conflict, they form triads in order to decrease their own anxiety.  In the business we call this triangulation, and it’s a normal relationship dynamic.  Just think about it in your own life: If you and your partner were to argue, to whom would your partner reach out?  Who always seems to know what’s going on in your relationship?

Triangulation isn’t all bad, nor should it always be avoided.  When a boss and an employee disagree, it’s normal for the boss to complain about the employee to upper management, and it’s normal for the employee to complain about the boss (Jerk!) to their coworkers.  It’s expected.  Triangulation becomes a problem when it prevents the couple from managing their own conflict and subsequent relational anxiety.  Couples are more likely to triangulate when the conflict is really intense, and/or when the partners are more emotionally reactive.  A third person is brought into the conflict, and now it’s two against one.  Then the solo partner triangulates to balance the conflict, only to ensure that the dynamic continues.  It’s during this period that something really painful or damaging gets said (“I hope you never marry someone like your mother!” or “I told you not to marry him!”), and the residual pain continues to affect the relationship even once the original conflict subsides.

So, remember the rule: Two to a conflict, Two to a solution.

Axiom #3: Wash, Rinse, Repeat

In relationships, we often repeat the same patterns of interaction, over and over, regardless of whether the patterns bring us satisfaction or not.  We’re such creative people, so it’s a bit confusing as to why we quickly become so limited in our options of interactions, but it’s almost always the case.  {In relationships we’re creatures of habit. Wash, Rinse, Repeat} With all the change and choices that surround us, this axiom may come as a bit of a surprise.  I mean, “If it’s not working, just do something different” right?  Yet this isn’t how we tend to behave in relationships.  We quickly develop patterns that guide how our relationship unfolds.  Like a river following through bulwarks, though the river flows, its path is always the same – governed by the pattern of the walls.

Our interactional patterns are generally helpful.  They both keep us on the right track, and limit us from taking a new direction.  Like the tracks of a train keep the train (usually) from driving onto highways and through neighborhoods, it forms a functional pattern.  But when the train’s route is no longer functional, it takes enormous effort to re-route the pattern of tracks that govern the train’s course.

Even the brightest, most successful people quickly becoming limited in their patterns by 1 or 2 choices.  “It’s either this or that.”  Either they yell or stonewall.  Either they stay or go.  Either it’s “my way or your way.”  Intelligence, education, and occupational success don’t seem to insulate us from this relationship axiom.  People frequently seek relationship counseling because their pattern is no longer functional – it’s no longer meeting the needs of both partners.  They’re desperate to change the patterns that are now constraining their relationship.

Wash, Rinse, and Repeat.  Relationships are governed by patterns.

All or None

Picture your own relationship.  What could happen in that relationship that would be a deal breaker?  What trauma(s) would cause your relationship to crumble?  Truth is, the answer is different for everyone.  Said differently, there are no set of unequivocal relationship deal breakers.  That’s been my professional experience.  I’ve personally witnessed relationships overcome incredible trauma and disappointment.  I’ve also seen some crumble under circumstances that others have overcome.  So why do some succumb?

Axiom 4: Any relationship can make it if both partners will do anything to save it.  No relationship can make it if only one partner is willing.  It’s all or none.

Relational reconciliation happens when both partners are willing to bend, grow, and change enough to give the other partner what they need.  {Commitment and Perseverance will overcome trauma, but it must be bilateral.}  If the relationship doesn’t survive, one or both partners weren’t willing to make the changes needed.  Reconciliation happens through some type of change.  Often the change is behavioral – “I’ll/We’ll do something different.”  Frequently the change is in priority – “I’ll care about that more/less.”  Sometimes the change is in acceptance – “I can live without that changing.”  Generally, there is some kind of change on the parts of both partners.  The difficulty comes when partners wait for the other to initiate change before they themselves are willing to bend.  It’s all or none.

Axiom # 5: Relationships are a gift, for they are the place where we grow up and become real people!

A few nights ago I was reading Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities to my kids.   We paused for a few moments to discuss the implications of that famous statement “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”  (BTW – that’s a pretty dark book for kids.  Get ready for some tough questions).  Anyway, relationships truly are the best and worst of times.  Your greatest joy and your deepest pain will happen in, and because of, your relationships.  The highest highs and the lowest lows are firmly rooted in your relationships.  Bertrand Russell said “to fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.”   But the Spanish proverb “Where there is love, there is pain” paints a very different picture.  It’s been my experience as a relationship therapist that both ideas are ultimately true; both describe real relationships.  Joy & Pain, that’s what relationship offer.

Picture this: loving parents struggling to raise a teenage child.  The battle lines are drawn; neither side willing to concede much ground.  There are no easy answers.  But the wisdom, fortitude, creativity, and resiliency gained during these tough days is irreplaceable, and cannot be found in any book or therapy session.  This growth has to be lived!
And so that’s what relationships offer us – a chance to really grow up (among other wonderful things).  And I would argue that this kind of growth only comes in relationship.  But here’s the catch: the mechanism for growth in relationships is sacrifice.  The Rolling Stones said it wonderfully: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes (read sacrifice) you might find, you get what you need.”

Relationships give us many great gifts, and one of the most significant gifts is personal growth.

And if you’re wondering about the Rabbit pic, check out the story.

Axiom #6 – Change is Required

Relationships are work.  They take effort and courage.  And just when the parts of the relationship, be it spouses, or parents and kids, or friends, think they’ve arrived at a stable, comfortable location, something changes to demand even more growth, adjustment, work, and courage.  And so for this final (for now) post on the axioms of relationships, I’d like to consider the nature of change in relationships.

Change is inevitable and necessary to maintain health in relationships.  Relationships are very much living, breathing organisms that shape and respond to their environment.

In my line of work as a relationship therapist, I often have the pleasure to see this principle in action.  Imagine that we could take your relationship and isolate it to a very controlled environment, like a small deserted island (picture comic strip deserted island).  You may still have problems in your relationships but there would be few external factors to complicate addressing your issues.  But relationships don’t happen in controlled environments – they happen in real life.  And so our relationships are constantly adjusting to, and shaping real life, making change inevitable and necessary for maintaining healthy relationships.

Paradoxically when there’s an absence of change in relationships, when patterns become fixed (see Axiom 3), problems develop.  Flexibility is the resource that allows relationships to adjust to the demands for change.  The source of demands can be both internal (personal growth and relational growth) and external (changes in family structure, additional responsibilities, changing jobs and careers, and/or societal changes).  But no matter the impetus for change, it is inevitable, and generally not accidental.  Change usually requires intentionality and effort, without which you’ll be stuck resisting change when your relationship most requires it.