David Kessler is one of the world’s foremost experts on grief and loss. He is the author of six books and has co-authored two books with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. David leads one of the most respected grief educator certification programs, is the founder of Grief.com, and also offers an online model of grief support entitled “Tender Hearts” presenting over twenty-five groups.
I have followed David’s work for a number of years and truly admire and appreciate him. He is deeply compassionate, humble, and generous. In sharing his life journey thus far, filled with life-altering loss and, at times, all-consuming pain, David teaches from decades of experience with people on the tenderest edges of life and death. It is his personal quest to find meaning in loss, not stopping at acceptance of it.
So how do we begin to find meaning in the midst of inescapable pain? We must allow ourselves to live in it, not by pushing it aside or running through it. Ultimately, grief heals the more we engage with it. According to David,
“Only by excavating the pure emotion will you find love on the other side of pain. It is in that love where we find meaning, the sixth stage of grief.”
The quest for finding meaning is knowing and honoring your unique experience in loss, not what the outside world expects it to be. By connecting with your personal feelings in grief (and there are many), you come to give knowledge to the pain, enabling movement and healing.Telling the story of your loss is a need on this path to meaning. It is allowing your pain to be witnessed, unlocking surprising new feelings. By thinking about your grief in innovative and unfamiliar ways, brighter moments rise to the forefronts of our minds, allowing us to be gentler with ourselves. The pain is part of the love that we feel and by being open to meaning, the pain will change and the suffering will lessen.
We do not simply move into acceptance in our grief journey, as that path opens slowly and often harshly. Feelings of disloyalty and guilt may prevail with guilt often taking a powerful grip, being one of the hardest emotions to undo. Ongoing guilt is almost never productive or useful in healing.
David tells us that meaning in loss is not found in the death but afterward in us!
“Meaning can be found in the life of anyone who has ever occupied space on this planet or in someone’s heart. It is there if you look for it.”
When we don’t even realize it, when we fight it, and even when we think meaning is impossible, life truly continues to move forward after a death. The hope is that you decide to “live again” by noticing small, gradual changes in yourself.
We can transform our pain through meaning, and by finding purpose our grief can become valuable and fulfilling. According to David,
“Grief never ends, but the pain does change as you navigate your way toward meaning. Meaning is how you grow and move forward, and it is ultimately how you honor the love and the loss of your loved one.”
If you are suffering in grief, I am available to be a witness to your pain and help you navigate this arduous journey. You can call, text, or schedule an appointment online.
