Some of the moments that shape our relationships are so small we barely notice them.
Your partner starts telling you something about their day while you’re answering work emails on your phone, and you don’t look up.
Your child says, “Mom, come see,” for what feels like the tenth time that afternoon. You reply, “I’ll be there in a minute,” and then you forget.
A friend texts you a funny meme. You smile, think “I’ll reply later,” and then forget.
Your partner tries to start a conversation while you’re unwinding with your favorite reality show, and you respond, “Can we not talk right now? I just want to watch this.”
None of these moments seems particularly important on its own. But what if these seemingly insignificant interactions are actually some of the places where connection is built, or slowly lost?
Bids for Connection
In their research on relationships, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who developed Gottman Method Couples Therapy, use the term “bid for connection” to describe the small ways we reach for another person’s attention, interest, affection, support, or engagement.
A bid might sound like, “Today was a lot,” or “Want to go for a walk?” It could be leaning over to show your partner something funny on your phone, reaching for their hand, or simply sitting down beside them.
Underneath these different bids is often a simple question: Will you meet me here?
Much of the Gottmans’ research focuses on romantic relationships, but this concept can help us think about connection in many of our important relationships, including those with our children, family members, and friends.
How Do We Respond to a Bid?
The Gottmans describe three general ways we respond to bids: we can turn toward, turn away, or turn against.
Imagine your partner comes home and says, “You won’t believe what happened at work today.”
Turning toward might look like putting down your phone and saying, “What happened?”
Turning away might be continuing to look at your phone while giving a distracted “Uh-huh.”
Turning against might sound like, “Can we not do this right now? I’ve had a long day too.”
The truth is, we all do all three.
Turning toward doesn’t mean stopping everything we’re doing every time someone reaches for us. Sometimes we genuinely don’t have the capacity to engage in that moment. Turning toward might simply mean acknowledging the bid: “I want to hear about it, but my brain is fried right now. Can we talk over dinner?”
Over time, turning toward these small bids helps build closeness and connection. The point isn’t to respond perfectly to every bid, but to notice these moments and create more opportunities to turn toward each other.
Most Disconnection Isn’t Intentional
Most of us aren’t intentionally trying to disconnect from the people we love. We’re tired, busy, distracted, stressed, or overwhelmed.
Sometimes when someone shares a problem, we jump in with solutions and miss the fact that they weren’t asking us to fix anything. They were simply asking us to witness their pain by listening.
Many of us become so accustomed to the people closest to us that we don’t recognize their attempts to connect anymore. Their bids start to become background noise.
As a counselor, I often hear people describe feeling disconnected without necessarily being able to pinpoint how they got there.
“We don’t really fight. We just don’t feel as close anymore.”
“I feel like we’re roommates.”
“Every time I try to talk, they seem annoyed.”
Sometimes disconnection isn’t the result of one enormous rupture. It can happen slowly, through small moments when we reach for each other and somehow keep missing.
And once that pattern has been happening for a while, simply recognizing it may not be enough to change it. One person may stop reaching because they’ve felt rejected too many times. Another may hear an attempt at connection as criticism or pressure. Hurt, resentment, or defensiveness can start getting in the way of the connection both people may actually want.
Get Curious About Your Own Relationships
Rather than judging yourself for the moments you’ve missed, try getting curious about them.
How do the people you love bid for your attention? What do their bids look like? When are you most likely to miss them?
And what about you? How do you bid for connection?
Maybe you ask your partner to watch a show with you, tell them about your day, show them something funny, or sit a little closer on the couch.
We don’t usually walk up to someone and say, “I’d like to feel connected to you right now.”
We make a bid. For the next few days, don’t worry about responding perfectly to every bid. Just start noticing them. Notice when someone reaches for you, and notice the ways you reach for them.
You may be surprised by how many of these tiny invitations happen throughout an ordinary day.
Strong relationships aren’t built only through vacations, date nights, big conversations, or grand gestures. They’re also built in ordinary moments when one person reaches out and the other person says, in some small way:
I’m here with you.
If stress, anxiety, overwhelm, or old patterns are making it harder to feel connected to the people who matter to you, therapy can offer a place to slow down and understand what’s happening underneath those interactions. For couples, it can also provide a space to recognize patterns that keep getting in the way and practice different ways of reaching for and responding to one another.
At Dr. Matt Morris & Associates, my colleagues and I work with individuals and couples navigating a wide range of personal and relationship challenges. If you’re considering therapy, I invite you to learn more about our team and find a clinician who feels like the right fit for you.
Written by Crystalyn Aucoin, PLPC, NCC
