“Discernment counseling creates a holding environment for the couple to develop clarity and confidence in deciding on the next step for their relationship, whether it is divorce or a shared commitment to couples therapy to repair the relationship.”
– William Doherty and Steven Harris, Helping Couples on the Brink of Divorce
Couples come to therapy for all sorts of reasons ranging from intimacy issues, navigating separation and divorce, a desire to gain better communication skills, and much more. But what if you aren’t sure if you or your partner can sustain a relationship together, or whether therapy would even be useful? This is where discernment counseling might be helpful, and it may be something you didn’t even know existed!
For many couples there is ambivalence with one or both partners about whether to continue in the relationship, and sometimes there is a difference in the hopes and desires of each partner. We call these mixed-agenda couples. Maybe you have been thinking about divorce for several months, but your partner wants to try to work it out. Maybe it seems like your partner is already out the door even though you want to try therapy, but getting them to come seems impossible. Discernment counseling exists for exactly these types of situations.
Discernment counseling is a brief one to five session process with the goal of deciding whether traditional couples therapy would be a useful and desired next step. Put simply, “discernment counseling creates a holding environment for the couple to develop clarity and confidence in deciding on the next step for their relationship, whether it is divorce or a shared commitment to couples therapy to repair the relationship.” In discernment counseling, we are not yet helping you solve your relationship problems, but helping you decide whether repairing your relationship is something you desire and are able to do. This can be freeing for many couples where it seems the choice to either remain together and work on the relationship on the one hand, or to separate and end the relationship on the other, feels too big to make so quickly.
Your therapist will help you decide between one of three possible paths by the end of the process:
- Keep the status quo with your relationship remaining as it is, neither divorce nor working in therapy to improve your relationship
- Separation or divorce
- A 6-month commitment to couples therapy with divorce off the table and with the possibility of putting divorce back on the table at the end of the 6 months.
The process is highly structured and intentionally facilitated, with no commitment required beyond the next scheduled session.
Each session involves a balance of time with both partners together in session and individual time with the therapist. These conversations will help you decide whether you would like to commit to couples therapy and find ways to communicate your preferred path to your partner. While the goal will not be to find solutions for your relationship, conversations will involve reflection on your contribution to the current state of the relationship. If Path 3 is chosen (commitment to therapy), these insights become the foundation for discovering possible repair in the relationship. If Path 2 is chosen (separation or divorce), the same insights will help each partner navigate moving forward in the least painful way possible. At the end of each session, a decision is made about whether to schedule another session, up to five possible sessions. Once clarity is reached about the next steps in your relationship, your therapist can help you navigate those choices.
The decision to begin therapy and repair your relationship or to end your relationship is one you don’t have to make alone. If discernment counseling seems like a good fit for your situation, schedule a consultation call with one of our therapists and we will be glad to help you decide.
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