“The Talk”
In counseling families, I often ask teens if they are sexually active. Some say “yes”, and others say 
“not yet.” None of them ask, “what’s sex?” That’s right, by the time kids are 14 and up, they all seem to know some information about sex and having sex. But where is their information about sex coming from? School? Their friends? Grey’s Anatomy? Pornography? I want every parent to talk to their kids about sex, beginning early on, in a non-shaming way, and continuing throughout the child’s development. In this post, I’ll describe an overview of how to talk to your kids about sex at any age..
Toddlers
Talk to toddlers about their bodies. Teach them the names of all their body parts, including their genitals. Teach them the anatomically correct names, and then use a nickname if desired. Also begin to teach them, in a non-threating way, that some body parts are private and that private parts are not to be displayed to others nor touched by others. Private parts are private – “for your eyes only” (excluding parents and physicians).
Pre-School Kids
Continue to talk to them about their bodies. Answer their questions with short, accurate, age-appropriate answers; you don’t have to give all the information – give just enough to satisfy their curiosity. Don’t be embarrassed by their questions, nor make your child feel ashamed for wondering about their body. Continue to teach them about private parts and “stranger danger” without making them feel paranoid and afraid. And if they are touching their own genitals (little boys often put their hands in their pants), teach them not to do this in public and that this is a private activity. Again, no shame.
Children age 5-8
This is the age when you begin to get more direct questions about sex, like “where do babies come from?” or “what is sex?” The key is to answer the questions in truthful, but age-appropriate ways – give them just enough accurate information to satisfy their curiosity without giving them
the full medical description. Remember, try not to be embarrassed or to criticize, scold, or in anyway insinuate that your child is bad for being curious about sex. After all, sex is a wonderful gift.
Children age 8-10+
I believe this is the critical age when you describe to your children more of the details of sex. They will probably have direct questions about conception, birth, marriage, and sex. Don’t shy away from these discussions, and yes, it’s going to be more than one discussion. This is a critical time for you to have influence over your child’s sexual values and behavior. Teach them that sex is wonderful and good, but also teach them that sex is powerful and thus has consequences when used and abused. Think about your own sexual values – what ideally would you like for your child sexually? Teach them that now. These conversations pave the pathway for more open dialogue when, as teens, they are wrestling with tough sexual decisions. Remember, by the time they are 13 or 14, they will know plenty about sex, albeit inaccurate, so be the voice of accuracy in their education about sex.
General Guidelines
- Talk about sex – don’t shy away from the conversation simply because it’s difficult. And don’t wait until they are sexually active.
- Talk positively about sex – it is after all, a good thing!
- Be age- and situation-appropriate in your sexual information
- Teach that sex connects, emotionally through very strong feelings, intimately through a very special kind of knowledge about each other, reproductively in that accidental pregnancies occur all the time, and biologically in that STDs remain very common, and that they should be very careful about who they connect with sexually.
- Teach your sexual values – don’t be afraid to convey to your kids what you believe is the very best for them sexually – they won’t hear that from the media.
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