I’m sure we’ve all had those mornings on our usual route to work when we hit a dreaded patch of traffic, and things slow to a screeching halt. It’s annoying and frustrating. But have you ever had a moment when, stopped in traffic with nothing else to do, you took a closer look at your surroundings and noticed something you hadn’t seen before? A particularly attractive house you hadn’t noticed, a restaurant you’ve never visited, a species of bird that you otherwise would have missed in the hustle and bustle of rush hour? Similarly, I’ve noticed that I’ll see new things while walking in my neighborhood that I never would have seen driving. It sometimes feels like a completely different street when I’m on foot!
When I’m working with couples through difficult emotional dynamics, differences, etc., I will often encourage them to try to slow the process down. By process I mean the thing that happens over and over again (the argument, the hurt feelings, the shutting down…) that we are working to change. These things often take off before we have a chance to remedy them. Before we notice the spiral of conflict is even happening, feelings are hurt, regretful words are said, and it seems we’re further away from any sort of repair. 
But if we slow down enough to notice what’s happening, and if we’re willing to have the courage to pay attention to how we’re feeling in the present moment, we can discover clues that help us work toward solutions. Joan Rosenberg, a clinical psychologist, discussed this in a TED Talk entitled “Emotional Mastery: The Gifted Wisdom of Unpleasant Feelings”. In her research she has found that “what we feel emotionally is experienced in the body first as a bodily or physical sensation.” It’s subtle and it happens in a split second. When you’re nervous, you probably feel it in your gut first before you have a chance to recognize what you’re nervous about. When you’re angry, maybe you feel it first as tension before your rational mind kicks in to formulate the words you want to say to get even. Rosenberg says this is all part of the body’s natural response to life, a flood of biochemical signals that give your body a feeling first, and then your mind. She encourages the listener to pause and sit with the discomfort for a moment, which usually only lasts about 90 seconds, before responding. It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself if you just sit in the uncomfortable feeling for a minute or two.
I’ve seen this small practice of slowing down and paying attention reap enormous benefits. Anger becomes manageable, forgiveness is offered and received, self-awareness leads to new discoveries of deeply embedded hopes and dreams. Like anything though, it’s not a magic pill, and it takes some work.
You may not be ready to do this with the really hard stuff in life, and that’s OK. But you may be ready to practice with smaller discomforts. Here are a few suggestions for how you might practice this skill of slowing down, feeling the discomfort, and learning more about yourself:
- Take a longer route to work one day and notice how your body responds to the slower pace.
- Intentionally get in the longer line at the grocery store and notice what feelings come up about the others in front of you.
- Put the phone down and just sit instead of distracting yourself.
In time, you will find that slowing down becomes easier and reaps great benefits for your life and your relationships.
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