You might remember that as a teen, thoughts of sex and pleasurable sexual activity often materialized out of thin air. Almost any environmental cue, like a song lyric, a pleasing scent, a brush against exposed skin, or most frequently just a thought or memory, could initiate sexual desire. In the world of sex scholarship, this is known as spontaneous sexual desire, or desire that seems to spontaneously materialize without any effort.
As we age, most people report that this spontaneous sexual desire wanes with time, and for many adults, almost disappears completely. Lots of adults report that they rarely experience sexual desire without plenty of effort. Despite wanting to enjoy sex with their partner, they just can’t seem to muster up the desire for sex. And, as you might know, this causes lots of consternation for couples.
But there is another type of sexual desire…
As it’s known in the literature, responsive sexual desire describes sexual desire that is conjured up in response to pleasurable touch and enjoyable intimate moments with oneself or with one’s partner. For many, sexual arousal develops and increases as one engages in pleasurable sexual moments of stimulation. It’s responsive, rather than spontaneous.
Does this describe you? Does your desire for sex feel mysterious or inconsistent to you? And are you frustrated with this pattern? If so, here’s a few things to keep in mind. 
Notice your thoughts about sex. Generally speaking, do you have a positive outlook toward sex and sexual experiences? If not, then it’s going to be hard to convince your body to get on board with an activity your mind doesn’t approve of. Your “sex parts”, aka “genitals”, take their cue from your largest sexual organ – your mind. And it’s hard to get turned on if your brain is saying “no way” from the get go. Now, you might for good reason hold a negative view of sex, but this will certainly hamper any spontaneous or responsive sexual arousal. If you’re concerned about this, this is a great topic to explore with a professional.
Notice your fantasies about sex. Fantasy is just your imagined “mental movie scenes” about sex. It includes imagined sexual experiences and memories of previous sexual experiences. It’s not happening in the physical here and now, it’s only happening in your mind. That’s why we call it fantasy, and it’s a powerful force in increasing or decreasing sexual desire. If your imagined sexual experiences are negative, that’s also something likely useful to discuss with a competent therapist.
Notice your anticipation of sex. Do you expect it to be fun and enjoyable? Do you sense that it will be connective and pleasurable? Or are you already doubting that it will be any fun? When I was a kid, my mom once served quiche for dinner. It was foreign to be and it looked awful (sorry Mom; you’re a wonderful cook! I should have never doubted you). I instantly was preoccupied with negative anticipation of eating the delectable quiche. It really didn’t matter how good it was in actuality, I was already primed not to enjoy it. I probably gagged at first bite, AND that’s the power of negative anticipation. It can take something neutral, good, or enjoyable, and distort it into something unenjoyable or distasteful. “Ugh, this isn’t going to be any good” is a thought that will make sexual desire and enjoying sex very difficult. Again, you might have good reasons for negative anticipation of sex, but it should be noticed, verbalized, and discussed with one’s partner or a therapist.
Notice your sexual turn-offs. What interrupts your enjoyment of pleasurable sexual touch? In the business, these “turn-offs” are part of the Sexual Inhibition System, or sexual brake pedals. Everyone has them, and they change over time depending on various life circumstances. Common brake pedals are things like feeling a bit uncomfortable physically, hearing the kids in the other room, exhaustion from a long day, a cluttered room or unwashed dishes… the list goes on and on, and is often different for different partners. Whatever these are, the brake pedals are very powerful, and can often shut down sexual desire and responsiveness, thus they need to be acknowledged and attended to. For more on the Sexual Inhibition and Sexual Excitation systems, see the work of sex educator Emily Nagoski. Her books are wonderful resources for learning more about your sexual responsiveness. 
If you have a history of enjoyable sexual experiences, but you warm up more slowly, then it’s very likely that your sexual desire is more responsive than spontaneous. And, as mentioned above, lots of things can short-circuit it. But when people enjoy sex, and find it fun and pleasurable, they want to do more of it. Pleasure is the only metric that really matters. We generally do things we find pleasure in, and avoid activities that hurt, are tedious, feel like a waste of time and energy, or lead to emotional discomfort and shame. If sex is pleasurable and fun, it’s easier to engage in. Find the pleasure, and you’ll likely find the desire.
And if you need to talk about it, reach out to one of us.
