“Confidence is the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you face and whatever you pursue.”
– Dr. Joan Rosenberg, 90 Seconds to a Life You Love
Psychologist Dr. Joan Rosenberg has spent her career researching the impact of human emotion on daily life. She has developed a set of very simple techniques to deal with the uncomfortable situations life throws at us. But it’s the insight behind her method that is so powerful. She writes that when we face difficult situations such as the death of a loved one, a fear of giving a public presentation, or the anxiety leading up to a difficult conversation, it is simply the physical sensation and discomfort that often drives our behavior, usually in the form of avoidance. It’s the queasiness in the pit of your stomach when you feel nervous, the hot rush of blood to your head when you feel embarrassed, the tightness in your chest when you’re angry with your spouse.
“This is the key and worthy of repeating,” she writes: “What we feel emotionally is often experienced first in the body as a physical sensation.
Simply put, unpleasant emotions don’t physically feel good in our bodies.” These sensations leave us wanting to exit stage left to hide in a closet or lash out instead of continuing to feel the pressure from the anger and rage. Through her research, Dr. Rosenberg has found that the uncomfortable physical sensations that arise in these moments, if we allow ourselves to pause and feel them, only last about 90 seconds (sometimes less). The biochemicals that flood your brain and body have a brief lifespan, and if we can learn to pause and allow them to run their course, we can develop a greater sense of confidence to handle life’s challenges with poise and strength.
Here’s how it works, a simple practice known as the Rosenberg Reset involving “one choice, eight feelings, 90 seconds.”
- Make the decision to allow yourself to fully feel your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. It is about choosing awareness, not avoidance, as the way you approach your life.
- Notice what unpleasant feeling has surfaced. Rosenberg has found that most experiences boil down to one of eight different feelings (though you may use different words to describe them): sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, and vulnerability.
- Simply “ride the waves” of the emotion for 90 seconds, notice what it feels like, lean into it rather than avoid the discomfort. When the intensity subsides, move forward to tackle the challenge ahead.
That’s it. It might not be easy at first, but it’s simple and will become easier the more you do it. And with the exception of trauma, this practice can be applied to most circumstances in life.
If you’d like to explore this practice more in depth, or learn other strategies for conquering a difficult circumstance in your life, we would be delighted to begin that work with you.
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