5 reasons to see a Couples Counselor

Trying to decide between individual counseling and couples counseling?  Is your partner suggesting that you need to find a counselor to help improve your relationship?  In my beloved city of New Orleans and across the country, there are lots of different kinds of professionals that “counsel” people, but how do you know if you need couples counseling of marriage therapy?  Let me provide 5 ideas

• You keep having the same old fight…

All couples fight, and fighting isn’t necessarily a sign of an unhealthy relationship, but when you keep having the same fight month after month or year after year, you probably need some professional help having the fight differently.  You’ve gotten stuck in a pattern that doesn’t work, and you’re having trouble either a) hearing each other or b) injecting some new creativity into the problem.  A couple’s counselor may help.

• You’re dissatisfied in your relationship…

We all have hopes and expectations for our relationships.  That’s not the problem.  And no partner can meet all your expectations all the time – that’s the lie of perfectionism.  But when you look around at your relationships (spouse, partner, parents, kids, siblings) and you find yourself feeling let down and dissatisfied, it’s time to put in some work.  Relationship-based counseling can help clarify your needs for your partner.

Warning: Very few counselors, psychologists, and therapists are actually trained in couples counseling and relationship therapy.  Most are very skilled at helping individuals, but may not have much experience helping couples.  Ask about their training, experience, and ideas about healthy relationships

• You’re becoming someone in the relationship that you really don’t want to be…

It’s often surprising how much we can change in a relationship.  We can be happy, peaceful, fun-loving, giving and courteous with our friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc, but then be mean, biting, suspicious, cold, and distant with our partner.  When you find yourself morphing into someone you don’t like in your relationship, it’s a perfect time to see a couple’s counselor.  Something about the relationship is bringing out the worst in you.

• You keep trying the same old solutions… but are growing more distant.

I’m amazed at our capacity for continuing to use solutions that don’t work.  We know that more criticism, threats, name-calling, accusations, and ultimatums don’t work, but we keep doing it.  We know that shutting down, ignoring, and employing cold-war strategies aren’t going to work, but we keep trying these techniques.  It’s time for something new… and maybe a couple’s counselor or marriage therapist could help.

• You’re willing to grow and change…

Relationships rarely change because one partner finally “got their shi* together.”  Probably, on some deeper level, you made this mess
together, and you know it.  Couples counseling is hard work.  It requires an examination of the healthy and unhealthy patterns in your relationship.  It requires both of your to grow and change.

Are you ready to put in the work towards growth, change, and relationship satisfaction?